Walking the walk and walking away

We all have encountered those who go on about how people “should” do this or that, citing common decency and religious values. However, they do not blink an eye when they act out the ugliness within their hearts, somehow able to justify the disparity in their messages from their behavior. I have always been extremely frustrated by those who have mastered talking the talk, but who will not walk the walk.

I do not claim perfection in my life. I know how easy it can be to make the wrong decisions. It is also true that none of us is perfect, and we will trip up from time-to-time.

However, if there is one thing I have learned in life is that I need to pay attention to do the right thing, even when no one is watching.

This also means that when people ARE watching, one does not have to amp it up in order to try to impress or compete. Many others will recognize it for what it truly is–ego-driven sanctimony.

All we encounter in life is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. I truly believe this to be truth. However, in the words of a wonderfully wise and dear friend, “…more that the lesson is (theirs) to learn, and (they refuse) to even consider the possibility. Whatever may come, don’t feel you must follow through…it’s OK to walk away…”

Perhaps, “walking the walk” is also learning to be okay with walking away.

Honest Communication or Platitudes?

I have often questioned how humans communicate.  What we speak or what is left unsaid.  How we interpret and negotiate meaning.  Words or behavior.

And the pundits conduct research to study people, their words and behavior, and come up with theories as to hows and whys and what we can expect given statistical evidence.

Ack! Even as I write, I find myself analyzing what will be the most effective way to say what I want to say, taking care not to write something to offend or make anyone someone uncomfortable.

Last month in the A to Z in April Blogging Challenge in “H is for Honesty.” I suggested that “(Lying) rob(s) us of self-respect, trust of others, joy and freedom…”   (Click the hyperlink for the original.)

I also said, “Honesty is vital to claiming who we truly are and what we want in life and with the others in it.”

Honest communication is much more than a simple choice of words. We consider intent, risk, value and respect (or lack thereof) for others, our view of self, and so much more before we justify or rationalize what we say and how we say it.

And sometimes, we say things without any consideration.  Saying things out of habit.  Just because. And I am guilty, as charged, of participating  in my share of it.

“Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.” ~ H. L. Mencken

I am tired of meaningless conversation. 

Canned questions and answers that rival a well-stocked pantry with No. 2 cans. (I’m showing my age with that metaphor.)

Question: “How are you?”

Response: “Great!”

Truth be told, both question and response can be rather trite.

We ask questions, not really wanting to hear the truth.  We answer, not wanting to “go there.” So, we simply act like we are engaged in conversation with someone else who (like us) is not willing to be genuine and vulnerable.

Consider this more genuine interchange:

Friend #1:  “How are you?”

Friend #2:  “Honestly, I’m having a really shitty day. I’ve been putting in long days so I don’t have to go back to an empty apartment.   I miss my kids. I’m having a hard time remaining civil around my ex-wife because I see her having moved on without me. I’ve tried moving on and dated a little, but I picked a real ‘doozy.’

I’m afraid to trust anyone.  I am not sure I trust myself.  I’m sad, I’m lonely and I put on a “happy face” around people. The truth is I’m really hurting and am not having much fun.”

Friend #1:  “I’m so sorry you’ve had that kind of day.  I thought my day was bad when the dog puked on the carpet this morning, had to clean it up, and then I picked up a nail in my tire and was late for work. It sounds like we could both use a little break from it all.

If you don’t have any plans after work, how about we go to the gym for a couple of hours? I still owe you one after the last beating I took on the court from you!”

This kind of communication requires us to be able to be vulnerable, compassionate, and genuine. It requires us to be truthful with ourselves and one another.

It does not mean we need to be an “open book” with people we do not know, nor those who have hurt us deeply.  We certainly must learn to set honest boundaries.

Learning to be vulnerable, set boundaries, and say what we want to say from “heart” is not an easy task.  It is too easy to fall into old habits. And we most often do it when we use the words…

“I love …!” 

Ice cream. Baseball. Chevy cars. Chocolate. (Fill-in the blank.)

We throw around the word “love” so often that its meaning has been lost convoluted where it counts the most. What means something to one person means nothing to the other.

We say, “I love you,” but our behavior speaks a different message.

We respond out of obligation.  To avoid feeling vulnerable.  Repeat phrases spoken to us in response, rather than initiating words that may make us feel raw and exposed.

Is it any wonder that so many are confused?  That there are so many hurt feelings? That we have such difficulty understanding one another? That so many families are broken apart? Friendships estranged? Romantic fires doused?

“Say what you mean. Mean what you say.”  (Author unknown)

Communication is not always easy, that is for certain.  At work.  At home.  At play. Between acquaintances. Friends. Family. Lovers.

We must attempt to make our thoughts, wants and concerns known to others who speak a different “language” from us based on our individual experiences and style.

Stop with the platitudes. 

Platitudes become the very reason that people will stop believing the words and believe only the actions.

They do nothing more than keep us in a constant state of grief, anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, guilt and shame. It pushes us toward unfulfilled desires and dreams of connection, love and pure joy in life.

We stop ourselves from experiencing all the things we say that we truly want from life with healthy, like-minded people who will laugh, cry, share and love with us.

Risk more. Learn to trust. Speak the truth.

Be honest.

H is for Honesty

Honesty seems to escape some relationships.  Some people.

We make decisions to tell the truth (or not) and, then when caught in a lie, we are quick to have a “valid reason”  for telling it. We excuse ourselves from being honest, but hold others to far more scrutiny for doing the same thing.

We often use an arbitrary ranking scale to justify telling  lies, stretching our truths, and any blatant omissions, which we believe we can get away with indefinitely.

Unfortunately, some become so adept at being dishonest with others and themselves that they are incapable of having deeply fulfilling, healthy relationships of any kind–business, work, family, friends or romance.

Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships. ~Author Unknown

Is there anyone that has been completely honest in all their dealings in life?  I doubt it. But there comes a time when one must take a look at him or herself and be accountable for the hurtfulness caused by the decisions made to lie to someone, especially those claimed to be cared about.

Lies always seem to come back to haunt us.   They rob us of self-respect, trust of others, joy and freedom…the very same things that we lose from those people in relationships where we have been dishonest.  We may be caught in our lies, and given a chance to “‘fess up”; even then, some choose to perpetuate more lies, rather than disclose the whole truth.

Honesty is vital to claiming who we truly are and what we want in life and with the others in it. When we lie about who we are and what we need or want, the idea that we need to pretend to be something that we are not is reinforced over and over again, and if/when  “found out,” shame and guilt become constant companions.

Real honesty takes “guts.”  It is not easy to “come clean” with others.  It starts with the more difficult task of being honest with oneself.

When we can forgive ourselves for our dishonesty and begin being true to ourselves and others in all of our dealings, then we will find the freedom, joy and love for which we so hungrily yearn.  Therein will lie the key to forgiveness and true, honest connection.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

(From Honesty by Billy Joel)

What the Hell is “Normal”??

Seven weeks ago, almost to this very minute, I was in the operating room being sedated. I have yet to fill you in on all the details of the surgery.  I have wanted to get back to “normal” first.

I can honestly tell you that there are times I don’t want to think about all that has transpired in these last several months.  The quintessential “ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away” response.

The trouble with this:  It hasn’t gone away.  It won’t go away.  And by my refusal reluctance to share in this blog, I affect my own ability to connect in a way that I am (perhaps) intended to make connection in this world.

I have some sort of fantasy that I am to impart through perfect words and punctuation some sort of knowledge and understanding, or wisdom to the masses, or at least to those few who follow my blog.  How arrogant and pompous I can be!!

I just want things to be “normal” again.  Whatever the hell that means.

I have certainly not ever been normal.  Or perfect.  Maybe it’s time for me to get “real.”  Forget about what others are going to think when they read the rawness of emotion. The down-and-dirty truth.  Riddled with profanity.  Sometimes, those are the only words that express the truth.

“Normal.”  It’s just a word.

Nothing feels normal anymore.  Come to think of it, it never has.

How to Get Rid of Weeds

Yes, there is a subtle beauty in the “weeds of life.” We must learn how to use them to nourish us, rather than constantly try to mow them down.  ~~ C.A.L.

As springtime comes to the Pacific Northwest, it is not uncommon for us to find ourselves basking in the occasional rays of sunshine, only to dash for cover moments later when the darkened skies roll in and quickly dump buckets of rain.  Throughout the typical spring day, this can happen several times. For those of us who love life in the PNW and know that this is the price we must pay for living in a picture postcard setting, we revel in this manic display of springtime.

Of course, there are those who constantly complain about the clouds and the rain.  And if not complaining about the weather, they lament having to mow their lawns so often because of all the rain.  Or that the weeds are in bloom.

But these unwanted plants such as dandelions, blackberries, burdock, chicory, and many more can be a source of edible, delicious, and nutritious foods  for those willing to look at these plants as more than a weed to destroy.

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered. ~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As weeds show up in our lawns and gardens, challenging our green thumbs AND our patience, so are we challenged in life.  Situations and people show up to test us. We spend most of the time trying to pluck them out, mow them down and destroy them until we are too exhausted to see what else life is offering. The next step is trying to ignore them, as if they do not exist, only to have them overtake us while we are not tending to ourselves.

What if we were to learn how to cultivate these “weeds” in our lives?  Manage them?  Use them for our nourishment?

What could come from our embracing these moments and learning from them, instead of maniacally whacking away at those things we would rather have never entered our lives?

I wish I could tell you how to get rid of weeds, but unfortunately I have not been able to accomplish that task…in my garden or my life. In this stage of my life, I am determined to learn which of these “weeds of life” can be used to strengthen and nourish me.

They whom truth and wisdom lead, can gather honey from a weed. ~~ William Cowper

What are the “weeds” that you are ignoring or trying to destroy?  Do you find them creeping back up through the cracks just when you thought they were gone?

Perhaps, like me, it’s time for you to figure out which ones are  nourishing.  It might be time to look at some of these weeds as plants and start to use them for the goodness they can bring to life.

Drama-Free Living

When I want more drama in my life, I’ll start auditioning again.  ~~ Coral Levang

Those of us who love people and helping others are often caught up in the “drama” that surrounds them.  We want to help, so we listen and give advice.   Then, we are puzzled when we are listening to the same people cry about the same situations week-after-week, month-after-month, and year-after-year.

I am learning to concentrate on my own life  and letting others have complete responsibility for their own lives, behaviors and outcome.  It’s not always easy to do, because I’ve spent a lifetime playing a certain role in others’ lives.  Sometimes, I’m cast in the drama; at other times I play the understudy and jump into the role, when needed. 

When we pay attention more to others and their dramatic situations, it becomes a way for us to distract ourselves from looking at our own issues.  

I don’t think this is uncommon.  But when we concentrate on trying to “fix” others, we avert the focus on the thing over which we DO have control–our own behavior. 

Though it can feel like we are abandoning others by letting them deal with their own issues, we do others a disservice when we get so involved that we do too much.  But we are often blamed for the outcome, or find ourselves embroiled in a situation where we have no business.  And we do ourselves the bigger disservice by ignoring our own needs for change and growth.

Be compassionate.  Listen when others need to talk.  Help by encouraging others to make good decisions based on their own values, needs and desires.  Let them make those decisions for themselves.

Then do the same for yourself and your life.  Drama-free.

 

T is for Truth

This week I went to see “The Help,” a movie based upon a book by the same name written by Kathryn Stockett.

The story is set in Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960s.  Skeeter is a southern society girl who went off to college and has aspirations to become a writer.  She returns to the small town, but not to the mindset of her friends in the clique.  She collaborates with the household help, defying law to do so, to tell the truth of what goes on in the high society families, and in the treatment of their household help.

What struck me most about the message in this film is this:

Always be courageous enough to tell YOUR truth.  When you do, you will begin to change the course of history. 

When you have the courage to  say what you determine you need to say–what you are compelled to say– it changes who you are in relationship to the world around you.

It may be that you have to say some pretty tough things that people do not care to hear. It may mean that you have to say or write these things “anonymously.”  It may result in people not agreeing with you, not liking you, distancing themselves from you, or even dissolving a relationship with you.

Doing or saying what you feel is right or needed is not easy.  It’s difficult to face losing, especially when you know you’re likely going to “face the firing squad” alone.  It may become an emotional upheaval when you realize that those who were around before will not stand with you or by your side.  Yet, you know that it’s time you speak the truth, regardless of the consequence of doing so.

Be compelled.  Be courageous.  Be genuine.  Share your story.  

Tell YOUR truth.

Today’s Truth

I said that I wanted to write without feeling  fear of being imperfect.  Throw out all conventions. Simply allow myself to feel.

Today is the day.  No checking for spelling. No rewrites.  Simple, plain, raw emotion.  A true exercise of feeling fear and doing it anyway. What you see is what you get. 

TRUTH.

A flood of emotions are washing over me.  Guilt.  Sorrow. Pain. Relief. Impending Loss. Uncertainty.

I’m losing a friend to cancer. I’ve seen her fight for four years.  Hers has been a constant fight, never letting up.   But she’s getting tired now.

She wrote me an email yesterday. It’s been awhile since we spoke.  Hospice was called three weeks ago. No more aggressive treatments.

It’s now time to try to enjoy what time i have.

Months ago we went to dinner.  A promise to tell her story.  Tell her son’s story.  Tell the story about connections to others.  Our connection. Friendships made. Kindnesses shown. More connection. More fear.

Today I hope to have the chance to see her.  Talk to her.  Tell her I love her.

time seems to be passing so slowly but so fast at the same time.

Share in the moment of whatever life will give us.  Keep connecting.