“You think too much,” a friend of mine said to me recently.
I responded, “You think this is the first time I have heard this? It’s been the story of my life.”
I do not ruminate about things intending to keep myself awake all night (as I did last night). Nor does it mean that I live in negativity by rehashing things in order to make sense of all that goes on in my life or the world, in general.
Yet, there is a war that seems to rage on in my brain…because I think.
For some reason, dates are important to me. These timelines are reminders to me to celebrate events and people. They offer me joy, keep me humble, and remind me of how much there is to live for. However, they also hold memories of struggle, fear and pain, as well as to remind me that some things do not change.
Therein lies the biggest struggle. I continue to ask, “Why? How? What?” and the sleepless nights begin.
This month is the anniversary month for many of the things that transpired with a diagnosis of stage 4 Neuroendocrine/Carcinoid cancer six years ago. I remember all the dates. I am grateful for having life, but the events that took place are not something that I can seem to remove from my brain.
May is also the month for Mothers’ Day. I can no longer call my own mother, though I continue to think of her with good memories. I have nowhere to mail a card to her or to send her flowers.
Then, I wait for a phone call that does not come with consistency. This year, nothing. My logical mind reasons that one is busy and dealing with more important things. My emotions argue with my logic, trying to convince me that I have somehow done something wrong to prompt the silence.
Good or bad. Wrong or right. This or that. One way or the other.
What to choose? Which will be better? How can it improve? What can I do?
These are just some of the conversations that I have with myself on nearly a daily basis. I never quite come up with the solutions, as once I do, I am asking the same questions.
Maybe I do think too much. But that prompts the questions, once again…
“Why? What can I do about it?”
And the war within my brain rages on…