When Feeling Unappreciated, What Do You Do?

Between my work over the years, and being uber-extroverted, I meet and talk with a lot of people. Although I am certainly “quite the talker,” I also listen and observe more than people often think I do.

I have been told that I have a knack of “drawing people out of themselves,” though I think that is what happens when we learn to be more effective communicators. Of course, there are many times that I have just as many communication issues in those relationships closest to me, as others do.  After all, each of us has our history with which to deal.

I often hear in my interactions with students, clients, and others I meet who share along the way, that they feel under- or unappreciated.  I have felt that way myself. It seems to run the gamut of personal and work relationships.  Family, coworkers, friendships…the lament seems to be the same. It seems to be universal.

“I am tired of being taken for granted!”

It is easy to pull away when feeling the most vulnerable. It is one way that feels like protection from feeling more hurt.  The results can lead to lashing out in anger and words being thrown like daggers. It takes awhile to recover from those wounds, especially when weeks, months, or years pass without resolve.

Every once in awhile, when least expected, someone will have an impact in a way that seems unimaginable. An acquaintance will share genuine words of encouragement, love, and support, singing praises of appreciation or adoration.

These are the times that I am left (nearly) speechless. I find it difficult to process in those moments that I may be anything other than the (fill-in-the-blank) that others have declared I am. It challenges, not only the view I think others have of me but, the view I have of myself.

I wonder what might happen if, in our dealings with all people, we were to look at others through new lenses and see what we liked about them.

If we were to appreciate others, would we be more appreciated? What if we were all to share more often what we appreciated about others?

Not obligatory words in order to assuage a sense of guilt or feeling “beholden to.” Not to manipulate or pander to others, looking for acknowledgement of the gift of kind words finally bestowed upon them.  Not just once. But often simply letting others know what they mean to us and why?

Would this make a difference in the relationships we already have?  Would it make a difference in someone’s life? Would we bridge gaps? Would we build new friendships?

Today, I consciously make the decision to make a difference by letting someone know what I appreciate about them.

Taking a Break from Facebook

There are times when we all need to take a break from some things that seem to bog us down in life.

I am at one of those moments in time.

I have decided to temporarily deactivate my Facebook page.  The reasons behind the decision are several, but it’s not necessary to list them.

I simply need a break.

The hardest thing is going to be not feeling connected to many people.  However, connection has changed now that Facebook seems to be the only contact nowadays with many who used to call or visit face-to-face.

I wonder if there are others who have also left some of the social media sites, and for what reasons?  Have you gone back? If not, do you miss it?

It is my hope is that some of the friends I have will be available for that phone call or mealtime that we used to share.

Face-to-face conversation over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine  cannot be replaced.

The End of a Season and Beginning of a Life

May I say how grateful I am to be alive today?

The past 14 1/2 months have not been easy for me or anyone who has made the choice to stick by me this last year.

When I look at the period of time from April 2012 until today, I can honestly say that there were moments that I thought I could not handle anything more thrown at me by life. Cancer  certainly dealt many blows and there were times where I felt sheer terror, despair, and I was fearful like no other time in my life because of the health issues, concerns and predictions.

And there have also been some disappointments that I never expected, not only from the medical community, but from those whom I have  thought were my closest of allies.

One of the hardest pills of life for me to have swallowed is when people have “walked away” from me. Visits and calls stopped and  my attempts at contact or connection  have not been returned. (I know from talking with others this is not uncommon to those who are facing chronic illnesses.)

This is when I have felt most vulnerable, lost, and hurt.  It is harder yet when there has been an unwillingness to share with me their reasons for doing so, but worse yet, when I have been blatantly lied to.  It is in these moments that I want to lash out, but instead, I retreat.

I think I am an open and forgiving person and understand that we humans are complicated creatures.  Still it does not make the pain of distrust, hurt, and disappointment disappear.  Nor does it remove the feelings of emptiness felt once the realization that friendships and relationships with others are over or they never were what I believed they were in the first place.

Yet, with all the fear and disappointment in this past year, there has been great  joy, laughter, and love as I have never experienced before, often from total strangers.

I have learned to accept gifts of kindness and love from people who have offered me their hearts with no pretense.  These are souls who have simply shown up in my life to be genuine and caring.

Admittedly, I have not always known how to accept their kind offerings, as I struggle with old beliefs that nothing comes without obligation of reciprocity in kind.  I have reminded myself over and over again of the words that a friend of mine who lost her battle with breast cancer shared with me many years ago:  “When you do not accept graciously, you rob others of the joy of giving.”

I am so grateful to many people and I wish that I could I could list everyone , but there are a few that stand out to me tonight as I look back over the year:

• Sue F.–After 15 years, we reconciled a friendship that was “lost.”  This last year has reminded me that when people are connected as we always were in the past, there is hope.  The laughter and adventures we share make my heart sing.  The gifts of forgiveness of others and of self are what I appreciate most from her.
• Minerva P.–This beautiful lady was one of my first caretakers on the hospital ward and we made an instant connection.  She is brilliant, has a heart of gold and has given me the gift of friendship even seeing (and taking care of ) me at my worst in the hospital.  She took care of needs that others would shy away from. She is truly “mi hermana Cubana.”
• Crystal G.–There are people in our past who weave their way in-and-out and it is as if there was no time lapse.  Crystal and I knew one another in Guam and it had been 20 years since we had seen one another.  Her gift was that she surprised me by flying up for my birthday dinner last August.  We laughed and joked as if it had only been a week or two.  She caught a flight back out that evening.  Knowing that we can always come back together again as if time stands still is priceless.
• Tami H.–We met at a Komen function last September on a cruise ship (though docked).  We were both solo and experienced many laughs in those few short hours together. We share a similar sense of humor, understand that life deals some crappy blows, and that a shared quirky sense of humor is what is necessary to see us through the toughest of times.  I will always be her “Mona” and she my “Lisa.”  (You had to have been there to understand.)
• Mary G.–What can I say about this “Angel?”  That is how I see Mary.  She offered her heart and the gift of “calmness” out of chaos.  We were brought together through an online chat group, and had a chance meeting when I offered to visit a friend of hers who has cancer. Mary opened her heart and home to me. She tended to me by: Making sure that I was fed with healthy food; feeding my soul with the gift of music when we went out to hear her sweetheart (Tom is a jazz pianist) play and a moment to sing in a venue that was like “coming home”; offering a calm, comfortable place to rest (I slept better there than I had in months); and gifting me with one of the most relaxing massages.  (She is a massage therapist, yoga instructor, stress management coach, and much more  out of the Portland area.) I must also share that she shared Ms. Lola with me, who gave me much-needed doggy-snuggles.
• Rick D.–Despite our battles, differences and the evolution the relationship has taken over 30 years, we have maintained a friendship throughout it all.  That is a gift in and of itself, as so many others in our situation are incapable or unwilling to do so.  When I have needed and asked for help, he is there.  There are few in this world who are like him.

There are so many more whom I could mention.  None is more important than another.  Each has been instrumental to my getting through this past year and a quarter of uncertainty. I simply cannot thank each person for all you have done for me or explain what you have meant to me.

Last year this time, I had been out of the hospital for one day. Now, it is the end of this season.  We have all made it through the year; we have all made it through the first anniversaries of many tough moments.

We can take nothing and no one for granted.  Those things we think might be important today hold little value when we are faced with losing time with the people we cherish the most. The decisions we make in relationship to those people are the decisions to which we must learn to reconcile ourselves.

Each day this year has reminded me of just how important living each day to the fullest truly is and what it means to do so. It has also given me the resolve to let those who are important to me know it.

Yes, this first year of fear and uncertainly is over…one season is over and another begins.

After all, that is LIFE.

* * * * * * * *

Coral Levang is a “Personal Change Agent & Life Coach” who offers:

• One-on-one coaching
• Direct, straight-talking approach
• Intuitive, collaborative style
• Group workshops
• Inspirational speaking for events

For more information or to book for coaching or speaking: 

Call (424) AGENT10 / (424) 243-6810 and leave a message.

 

 

Honest Communication or Platitudes?

I have often questioned how humans communicate.  What we speak or what is left unsaid.  How we interpret and negotiate meaning.  Words or behavior.

And the pundits conduct research to study people, their words and behavior, and come up with theories as to hows and whys and what we can expect given statistical evidence.

Ack! Even as I write, I find myself analyzing what will be the most effective way to say what I want to say, taking care not to write something to offend or make anyone someone uncomfortable.

Last month in the A to Z in April Blogging Challenge in “H is for Honesty.” I suggested that “(Lying) rob(s) us of self-respect, trust of others, joy and freedom…”   (Click the hyperlink for the original.)

I also said, “Honesty is vital to claiming who we truly are and what we want in life and with the others in it.”

Honest communication is much more than a simple choice of words. We consider intent, risk, value and respect (or lack thereof) for others, our view of self, and so much more before we justify or rationalize what we say and how we say it.

And sometimes, we say things without any consideration.  Saying things out of habit.  Just because. And I am guilty, as charged, of participating  in my share of it.

“Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.” ~ H. L. Mencken

I am tired of meaningless conversation. 

Canned questions and answers that rival a well-stocked pantry with No. 2 cans. (I’m showing my age with that metaphor.)

Question: “How are you?”

Response: “Great!”

Truth be told, both question and response can be rather trite.

We ask questions, not really wanting to hear the truth.  We answer, not wanting to “go there.” So, we simply act like we are engaged in conversation with someone else who (like us) is not willing to be genuine and vulnerable.

Consider this more genuine interchange:

Friend #1:  “How are you?”

Friend #2:  “Honestly, I’m having a really shitty day. I’ve been putting in long days so I don’t have to go back to an empty apartment.   I miss my kids. I’m having a hard time remaining civil around my ex-wife because I see her having moved on without me. I’ve tried moving on and dated a little, but I picked a real ‘doozy.’

I’m afraid to trust anyone.  I am not sure I trust myself.  I’m sad, I’m lonely and I put on a “happy face” around people. The truth is I’m really hurting and am not having much fun.”

Friend #1:  “I’m so sorry you’ve had that kind of day.  I thought my day was bad when the dog puked on the carpet this morning, had to clean it up, and then I picked up a nail in my tire and was late for work. It sounds like we could both use a little break from it all.

If you don’t have any plans after work, how about we go to the gym for a couple of hours? I still owe you one after the last beating I took on the court from you!”

This kind of communication requires us to be able to be vulnerable, compassionate, and genuine. It requires us to be truthful with ourselves and one another.

It does not mean we need to be an “open book” with people we do not know, nor those who have hurt us deeply.  We certainly must learn to set honest boundaries.

Learning to be vulnerable, set boundaries, and say what we want to say from “heart” is not an easy task.  It is too easy to fall into old habits. And we most often do it when we use the words…

“I love …!” 

Ice cream. Baseball. Chevy cars. Chocolate. (Fill-in the blank.)

We throw around the word “love” so often that its meaning has been lost convoluted where it counts the most. What means something to one person means nothing to the other.

We say, “I love you,” but our behavior speaks a different message.

We respond out of obligation.  To avoid feeling vulnerable.  Repeat phrases spoken to us in response, rather than initiating words that may make us feel raw and exposed.

Is it any wonder that so many are confused?  That there are so many hurt feelings? That we have such difficulty understanding one another? That so many families are broken apart? Friendships estranged? Romantic fires doused?

“Say what you mean. Mean what you say.”  (Author unknown)

Communication is not always easy, that is for certain.  At work.  At home.  At play. Between acquaintances. Friends. Family. Lovers.

We must attempt to make our thoughts, wants and concerns known to others who speak a different “language” from us based on our individual experiences and style.

Stop with the platitudes. 

Platitudes become the very reason that people will stop believing the words and believe only the actions.

They do nothing more than keep us in a constant state of grief, anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, guilt and shame. It pushes us toward unfulfilled desires and dreams of connection, love and pure joy in life.

We stop ourselves from experiencing all the things we say that we truly want from life with healthy, like-minded people who will laugh, cry, share and love with us.

Risk more. Learn to trust. Speak the truth.

Be honest.

E is for Eulogy

The eulogy.

If you are like me, you probably read or hear this word and your mind goes directly to memories of the funeral of a loved one.  Hearing the muffled sobs of other mourners in the seats next to you, as you listen to a family member or friend eulogize the life and character of the dearly departed.

In the last several years, I have been to far more funerals, memorials, celebrations of life and graveside services than I had collectively attended in my previous 50 years of life.

That is a result of living a “long life,” whatever that means. The longer one lives, the more aware one becomes of dying and death.  And there are more services to attend and more eulogies to hear.

I seem to recall a day when communities of friends and relatives would fly-in from around the country (world) to pay their respect to the deceased and to support the others who have been left behind.  Often times one of them was asked to deliver the eulogy. Perhaps, because these people were a bit more “removed” in miles, they were seen by the rest of the family as more capable of holding things together in order to get the words out, not being tied to the day-in-and-day-out emotional connection.

In today’s world, it seems that too many are too busy to take the time to to honor others.  Yet, there are other communities that have taken the place of these communities and gather in additional ways.  Often times, we now use the Internet for our online community centers–Facebook events, chat rooms, discussion threads, Skype, Google–to honor others, receive our support and hugs, and share our tears, joy, laughter and sorrow laughter in a virtual environment.

And the eulogy that was shared with a select group of folks gathering quietly to mourn, we now share with the world.

Eulogy for my mother…

It has been nearly two years since my mother passed away.  I “talk to her” regularly. (I know that there are some family members who are probably commenting that I am “certifiably crazy” now that I have made that admission.)

When she died, I asked to deliver her eulogy. I was granted my request, but was “limited to no more than four minutes.”

Four minutes to describe my mother and her life.  And much to the surprise of many (I am sure), I did just that.

My community, circle of friends, relationships and support system far extend beyond Granada Hills, California, however. I wanted those whom I have known over the years to hear the stories, to tell their own, and to get a glimpse of my mother as my family knew her. I shared the eulogy I delivered at my mother’s memorial for the world to discover.

I know that Mom, who was an extremely private person (as compared to me who believes we must share to build connection to others) is probably cursing me from her spot in heaven.  She was quite critical of the online world and, like many her age, was not interested in what it might offer, especially if it meant allowing for disclosure.

Yet, I can nearly imagine her shaking her head and grumbling, accepting that she and I will successfully make the journey to the same destination through life.  She just took the side streets; I take the boulevards.

Eulogy for Bridget…

If you have been reading my blog this year, you are familiar with Bridget Spence and her story.

This past week, Bridget’s life was celebrated at a memorial mass in Massachusetts.  Her husband, Alex, whom she called her “Big Man,” delivered the eulogy amongst family and friends.

As Bridget was open to share her story on her blog, My Big Girl Pants, for several years after being diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer shortly after her university graduation at the age of 21, and having lived for nearly nine years, Alex shared his words with Bridget’s community and the rest of the world.  It allowed for her “extended family and friends” to share the love, joy, tears and hugs with the collective many from all around the world.

Thank you to Alex and the rest of Bridget’s family for allowing so many who love her to have shared this intimate moment.

Eulogy for the living…

The word “eulogy,” though most often used in the context of funerals and memorials, also means to give “high praise,” according to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.  The eulogy is used also at retirement ceremonies. But it is not defined as “ONLY” used at these gatherings.

Too often, we do not eulogize others when they are alive.  We wait until it is too late to tell others how much they mean to us.  We are afraid of sharing our emotions.

The older we get, the more eulogies we will hear after others pass from this earthly life. The longer we live after others have gone, the more opportunity there are for regrets.

Please ponder these questions:

• Who would be the person(s) that you would want to deliver their eulogy after they have passed away?
• What joy might you bring to yourself and others if you were to write a eulogy to this person(s) while they are still alive?
• Where would you be with this person(s) when you spoke these words to them?
• When do you plan on sharing your heart with those who are important to you?
• How much could you deepen this relationship(s) if you were to be willing to  be vulnerable by sharing the words you would speak at their memorial?

So, my final question:

Why are you waiting?

Relationships: What works and what doesn’t

Relationships take many forms.

Family. Friends. Coworkers. Acquaintances. Lovers.

And so many more.

* * *

Being IN relationship to others takes hard work.

Time. Effort. Energy. Desire. Willingness.

And so much more.

* * *

I’d like to share several quotes with you.  Which one or two resonates with you?

Then, I ask that you share your thoughts.

Please comment on any that may hold particular meaning for you.

A lesson learned.  A silence that you have not yet spoken.

* * *

“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”– Norman Vincent Peale

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”– Leo F. Buscaglia

“People will always make time for the things they truly want to do and the people they truly want to be in relationship to.  If they have no time, they have no desire.  Stop wasting your time trying to get their attention and setting yourself up to be hurt.” -Coral Levang

“I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you.”– Luigi Pirandello

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”– Joseph F. Newton

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”— Og Mandino

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins

“An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes.” -Patricia Fry

“Loneliness is not lack of company; loneliness is lack of purpose.” -Guillermo Maldonado

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.”– Leo F. Buscaglia

“Relationships, marriages are ruined where one person continues to learn, develop and grow and the other person stands still. ” -Catherine Pulsifer

* * *

So, what are your thoughts?  Please share.

It’s time…to tell YOUR story.

Drama-Free Living

When I want more drama in my life, I’ll start auditioning again.  ~~ Coral Levang

Those of us who love people and helping others are often caught up in the “drama” that surrounds them.  We want to help, so we listen and give advice.   Then, we are puzzled when we are listening to the same people cry about the same situations week-after-week, month-after-month, and year-after-year.

I am learning to concentrate on my own life  and letting others have complete responsibility for their own lives, behaviors and outcome.  It’s not always easy to do, because I’ve spent a lifetime playing a certain role in others’ lives.  Sometimes, I’m cast in the drama; at other times I play the understudy and jump into the role, when needed. 

When we pay attention more to others and their dramatic situations, it becomes a way for us to distract ourselves from looking at our own issues.  

I don’t think this is uncommon.  But when we concentrate on trying to “fix” others, we avert the focus on the thing over which we DO have control–our own behavior. 

Though it can feel like we are abandoning others by letting them deal with their own issues, we do others a disservice when we get so involved that we do too much.  But we are often blamed for the outcome, or find ourselves embroiled in a situation where we have no business.  And we do ourselves the bigger disservice by ignoring our own needs for change and growth.

Be compassionate.  Listen when others need to talk.  Help by encouraging others to make good decisions based on their own values, needs and desires.  Let them make those decisions for themselves.

Then do the same for yourself and your life.  Drama-free.

 

The Hustle

“Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.” ~ Abraham Lincoln.

I think this Lincoln quote can be  interpreted in several ways.  So, I’d like to go on record by saying this:

“There are two kinds of hustlers out there.  Stop living life waiting on anyone who hustles you out of your time and your self respect and start hustling yourself into living the life you were intended to live.” ~~ Coral Levang

Y is for Yearning

Oh, how often we ache!  We YEARN—having an intense, overpowering longing–for things we do not have or people we have lost.

We become consumed with this desire, as it becomes a persistent, melancholy reminder of what we are lacking, how we have been slighted, what has been taken from us, or how life has not been fair.

We focus on limitations.  We complain about what we don’t have. We are indignant toward others who have what we feel we “deserve” to have. We try to control what we cannot and discard our sense of responsibility toward that which we affect.

We look to others to complete us and provide our happiness in life, and become angry when they do not meet our expectations. We pine away when they leave us to pursue other relationships.  We blame others and our circumstances for all that we are and all that we have become…and sometimes, whether we want to live or die.

We get caught up in the “if only,” the “what if,” and the “why me?” and then become desperate to clench hold of things slipping through our fingers or unhealthy relationships on the way out of our lives.  Or we go out of our way to dig up dirt on others, in order to smugly justify our own deceitfulness.  We expend so much of our energy and precious time on focusing on things and people outside of our control.

What if we redirected our yearnings by becoming healthy in body and mind, or better educated?  By concentrating on these things over which we do have control, would we be happier and have more to offer this world?

What if we learned how to be better communicators or became more self-aware?  Would we be better equipped to resolve the conflicts we have with family, coworkers, partners, or lovers?  Would we begin to see the patterns we use in choosing the people we include in our lives?  Would we avoid those situations which suck the very life from us and make better choices?

Author and educator Helen Keller, who was blind and deaf, lived a life of purpose and fulfillment facing (what others might say are) insurmountable challenges, in addition to the same things that we all encounter on a daily basis.  She said, “I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad…there is just a touch of yearning at times, but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.”

Rather than yearn for the things that are missing in life or for an easier life, long for the successes that can be achieved.   Yearn to make a positive impact–a difference–without comparison to others, but for what can be accomplished.

I long to accomplish a great and noble task; but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.  ~Helen Keller

Criticism Is a Habit

As much as I struggle with criticism when others shower their comments on me, I am also guilty of thinking, speaking, and acting in judgment of others.  It’s not something that makes me proud.

Last week, I suggested in “Living Beyond Criticism” that we must learn to accept criticism with the idea that it is simply an opinion of us, and that we can grow beyond the sting of one’s view of us.  I also wrote, “Reacting defensively to criticism does not make criticism go away, but convinces those delivering the criticism that what they believe about you is true.”

When we are the ones doling out the criticism or standing in judgment of others, what does it say about us?  Does it do us any good?  Does it bring about positive changes?  Does it make us feel better about the situation?  Or does it cause more resentment?  Does it contribute to our continued distrust of others?  Do we feel superior or alone when those we criticize retreat and insulate themselves from us?

Many of us grew up in hypercritical family units.  We learned how to belittle, criticize, and incite shame.  We became habitual experts at word manipulation in order to keep others in line or to feel that we were in control over situations we really were powerless to change.

Just as it is important to understand that criticism aimed at us is merely an opinion, we must also look to why we also criticize others. Perhaps we feel the need to be right.  Or perhaps it’s that we feel we have the right to be critical because it’s been done to us.

When I get caught up in how I feel about others’ decisions, actions, or thoughts, I can become critical.  In fact, I usually go into a “holier-than-thou” internal diatribe or I self-flagellate for acting toward others in ways that can only cause distance between us.  I never feel good about it.

I was taught how to be critical.  I learned the lesson well.  It allowed me to survive some of the toughest times.  But the lesson is well-past its prime.

Old habits die hard.  This is one that needs to be put to rest.