I am just as guilty as the next person of not following through with what I say I want or will do. It is not easy to admit the truth of this, especially as I become irritated or “butt-hurt” for others doing the same. I suppose when it comes to others and how I react, it is directly tied to those experiences from many years ago.
Now, I can immediately hear some of you out there yelling, “Get over it already! Stop living in the past!”
I get it. I am yelling it with you. I do not always understand how the circumstances of the past can rear their ugly heads and grab me when I least expect it. Or maybe it is that I really do expect it?
I have vacillated throughout life between “ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away” mode and “look-at-it-dead-in-the-eye-and-take-it-on” mode. It is classic all-or-nothing behavior. And yet, it irritates me when I behave this way or I see it in others.
I believe that our past does not define us, but that it does influence us in ways that we do not always see or understand. But the beauty in being aware of our past is that we can choose to look at our own patterns of behavior as we relate to others and what we decide is important in our lives.
In these last few months, I have allowed myself to fall into a bit of a funk. I have allowed what certain others feel, think, and do to affect my own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
One of my automatic thoughts (of which I have been unaware) has been, “If they don’t care enough to (fill-in-the-blank), as they said they would, then why should I?”
What I now recognize is my reaction that I learned in my formative years. It bore deeply into my core, which has given me trouble throughout the years in feeling valued, and has transcended into a limiting belief that value comes from others and whether or not they treat me a certain way or follow through with me in a way that they say they will.
The worst part of it? I do it, too. Guilty. I have done it to others. AND I do it to myself.
Life is a series of lessons and awareness. Understanding our past, and taking responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors will give us more tools and knowledge to help us as we move forward in our lives.
I am at a stage of life that I am growing weary of having to revisit some of the same lessons. If I am going to get “butt-hurt” at anyone for not doing what they will say they will do, I might as well look in the mirror. But even this guilt-move is fruitless.
Today is a new day to consciously follow-through with what I say that I will do.
And today starts with shaking off clouds of funk, taking a good look at what I have neglected, and getting showered, dressed, and out for an early morning walk.