Anger, violation and defeat


Today was filled with its share of challenges.

It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t slept much last night.  The upside to not having slept was that I was able to write “Sleep, Insomnia and Fear.”

But I wasn’t looking for things to be tough today.

In fact, I was looking forward to attending an informational workshop on “living with intention” with a good friend.  We were to bring a journal with us and something that had special meaning to us, which we could fit in the palm of our hand.

I locked up my door, went to my parking space, and  unlocked my car door, only to find that my car had been vandalized–the right front passenger window had been smashed– and my small zebra bag with the new training materials for work had been stolen.  I also had my journal in the bag and a few other things.  Nothing was too valuable from a financial standpoint.

Of course, I should “know better”…

…than to leave anything in my car, living in the city.  This is not the first time my car has been broken into;  it is the third time in five and a half years, not counting the other two times it has been “keyed.”

I had forgotten to bring the bag in with me on Thursday after work, and had not gone anywhere yesterday, so there was a 36-hour time frame  that the vandalism and theft could have taken place.

Five and a half years ago was the first time this had ever happened to me.  It was one month after I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It happened again about two and a half years ago from a different location.  And then last night from yet a different area of the city.

The first two times, I felt anger and as if I had been violated or raped.  Today, defeat was added to the mix, and I felt completely powerless.  I think I officially became “old,” muttering something about “kids nowadays”  being so different than back when I was a kid.

I did my damnedest not to be too over-reactive. Not having slept did not make that easier.

I was not  a happy camper having to cancel the day I had planned in order to deal with the  insurance company and the glass repair shop, but I was fortunate to have been able to get it repaired today.  And my friend understood the situation and didn’t hold it against me that I could not attend with her.  I got the police report filed online.  So, there were some small victories in spite of it all.

Yet, all today I felt this sense of unrest.  Tonight I even had a mini-meltdown.  I’m sure that the lack of sleep was a major contributor.

With the vandalism and theft of my personal property, I became more sensitive today as to how cancer seemed to strike…

…as a thief in the night. 

It remained undetected, until such time it decided to shatter a window into my soul and paw its way through my “things,” without regard for how hard I’ve worked for what I have.

Or how it insists on claiming my body. Lying in wait until it decides to pounce, and brutally take what it wants from me, caring less about my feelings or the impact it will have on those around me.

Yes, I feel angry… that I have  been violated…raped. 

My car.  My belongings. My body.

And sometimes, I want to  cower.  Admit defeat.

But it might just be the lack of sleep that makes it more difficult to want to fight.

I really do need to get to bed…

…and get some sleep.

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”  ~~Harriet Beecher Stowe

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