It is the first of June, at 4:15 a.m. and I am sitting in my mother’s dining room in Southern California. I cannot seem to quiet my brain. I’ve been here since Saturday this time around, in order to be of assistance as I watch her go through the changes that age brings.
When I am under an incredible amount of stress, I find it difficult for me to sleep…and to write. I’ve mentioned before that I tend to withdraw when I feel vulnerable. Of course, staying focused is nearly impossible.
The writing challenge for May was Z to A in May. I finished three letters–Z, Y, and X–and, because I try to write purposefully and genuinely, it did not come without some passionate disagreement from readers. I think it took me by surprise…not because there was disagreement, but at some of the accusations thrown, which left me feeling particularly vulnerable. It is a true lesson for me as I challenge my crazy notion that others see discourse in the same way I do or want to debate in the manner of good philosophical styling.
Taking on this particular challenge has not been easy on many levels. Z to A, feeling vulnerable, and also learning to deal with the challenge of facing issues of my aging mother, the heartache that accompanies it, and my own mortality.
I must also face my own issues of wanting to retreat to protect myself from pain. Writing is a way for me to be able to share these life’s challenges.
So, even though it is now the first day of June, and the Z to A in May challenge is over, I will finish this challenge. Writers’ block will be nothing more than one more letter…my W entry.
And I will continue to be genuine, though perhaps not always purposeful. I may play devil’s advocate from time-to-time. I may also not be quite so well-liked because of my ideas or may not feel comfortable with commentary. I cannot allow the challenges of life interfere with what I want for myself, what I start and finish, or what or how I write.
It may take me a few months, but I will finish my Z to A challenge…writers’ block, be gone!