Fearing the Bulls of Pamplona


I’ve noticed a marked change in me since my friend, Kim, passed away on May 26th just three days before her 42nd birthday.  I have not written much about her death, or the couple of weeks preceding that day.

I certainly have kept most of my feelings bottled inside. I suppose that I don’t quite know how to feel about it all…or I have been trying to stuff them so as to not have to face them.

Since Kim passed away and I attended her Celebration of Life, I have been rather unsettled.  I have felt such a disturbing sense of loss. I’ve been restless and scattered.  I’m more irritable.  And I’ve felt this looming sense of death…my own.

I’ve not slept well in a very long time. When I try to fall asleep at night, I feel my heart pounding in my chest as loudly as it pounds in my head.

Fear of having a heart attack or stroke runs rampantly through my thoughts like the bulls careening through the streets of Pamplona as I try to avoid being trampled to death.

One of life’s biggest challenges is learning to deal with death.  And knowing how to graciously face it as we watch others leave this earth or to courageously face our own death is something that I have not yet learned how to do.

Today, my feelings range from sadness to irritation to joy. How is it that I can feel such an array of emotions, all at the same time?

And how do I rid myself of the night’s bulls as they run through the cobblestones of my mind’s Pamplona, trampling on sleep’s restful dreams?

Counting sheep was so much more peaceful.

NOTE from the author:  My new blog, “Words,” explores the meaning of new words, but in a creative way.  I invite you also  to follow this new blog, with its Word of the Day format, first reading “An Introduction to Words.”

Other writings on many topics (using a variety of genres) can be found at Associated Content. You can also read articles dedicated to the topics of career transition and the job search process at Examiner.com .

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